I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
