Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
