Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
