I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
