dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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