That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
