Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
