your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
