pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
