DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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