i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
