Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
