I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
