while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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