you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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