Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
