I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
