I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
