I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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