It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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