She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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