Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
