dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
