I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
