is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
