I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
