Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
