I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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