I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How does one acquire holy water?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
