Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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