You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
