Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
