No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
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