I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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