Just fell off a train. Bad.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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