i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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