Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
