I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
