Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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