I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
