I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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