Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
