I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
