i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
