I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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