His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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