took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
All I want is dick and wine.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
