Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
