one two three fourrrrnication!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
