I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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