well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
