so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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